SGM Dec.2013 Weekly Message Two: “Thriving In Relationships”

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Welcome back to the December 2013 Edition of Spiritual Growth Monthly. I’m Kevin Schoeninger. It’s great to have you with us here at SGM.

This month, we’re exploring how to thrive in the different communities in which we live. We began last week with the community of our cells. When the approximately 100 trillion cells in your body each fulfill their unique function and communicate well, you experience health, peak performance, and feelings of well-being. You can consciously create a positive environment for all your cells, by adopting an inner attitude of acceptance, love, and gratitude. We then practiced a simple exercise called “Inner Humming” to help create that positive inner environment.

This week, we use that positive inner environment as a sound basis to explore the next layer of community—our primary relationships—those close ties of family, friends, and co-workers. Here again, we find that our inner attitude is the key. It’s what we bring to our relationships that’s the strongest determining factor of the experiences we have.

Yes, of course, relationships are a two-way street. As the saying goes, “It takes two to tango.” And, at the same time, we can only control our half of the equation. Trying to get another person to change is not a winning strategy. It will likely only create more resentment and pushback in a negative direction. We can only adjust how we are relating to others, not how they are relating to us. Interestingly, when we do shift where we are coming from, others often shift as well. This is a part of the two-way dance of any relationship.

So, what’s most important on our side of the relationship equation?

Again, acceptance, love, and gratitude are key. When we come from that healthy attitude, it’s amazing how others open up and are more likely to relate to us in similar ways. When the other person feels accepted, loved, and appreciated for who they are, they are much more likely to accept, love, and appreciate you in return.

Now, of course, this is not a new idea. It’s a foundation of all the world’s wisdom traditions. Yet, if this insight is so well-known and effective, why is it not more commonly practiced? Why is acceptance, love, and gratitude so hard to do, so hard to maintain as a dominant attitude? In this week’s message, we’ll explore the key fourth ingredient that opens the way to being able to live from a consistent baseline attitude of acceptance, love, and gratitude. That key fourth ingredient is forgiveness.

Forgiveness? That’s old news, too. Yes, old, tried, and true. However, certain misunderstandings about what forgiveness means keeps it from being the well-used, effective tool it might be. So, let’s explore forgiveness a little more deeply, so we can discover how to use it well.

First of all, why is forgiveness essential? What does forgiveness do? What is it about forgiveness that opens the way for acceptance, love, and gratitude? To get at this, let’s look at what blocks us from being in a state of acceptance, love, and gratitude.

Judgment.

Judgment is what gets in our way. The act of judgment is what kicked Adam and Eve out of The Garden and it’s what continues to keep us locked in relationship suffering today. Judging others for what they’ve done or who they are is the single biggest stumbling block to having a healthy attitude and creating powerfully connecting and thriving relationships. That’s why forgiveness is essential. Forgiveness is about letting go of judgment. Forgiveness clears the inner tensions associated with judgment that block us from having loving relationships.

Now, think about a relationship that is not filled with acceptance, love, and gratitude for you at the moment. . . Contemplate what is happening in that relationship. . .

What thoughts go through your head as you consider that relationship?. . .

Do any of these thoughts relate to judgments you are holding about past interactions with that person?

Especially consider if any thoughts come up that relate to the word “should.” Are you thinking anything about how that other person should be or should have been or shouldn’t be or shouldn’t have been? Are any of your thoughts related to what that person should have done or shouldn’t have done? . . .

Now, how do you feel when you think that way? . . .

What do you want to do when you think and feel that way? . . .

Do you see how judgmental thoughts are getting in the way of you holding an accepting, loving, appreciative attitude toward that person?

Now, what happens when you consider forgiving that person for how they are or were, or what they did?
What thoughts come into your mind when you consider forgiving them?

Perhaps, you think that they were in the wrong? That they should have to pay for what they’ve done? That they need to be punished, so they learn something about how to treat others better? Perhaps you think you need to hold onto your anger, so you won’t be hurt again?

Now, if you continue to hang onto feeling hurt, angry, and sad about what someone else has done, it’s likely that you’ll continue to hold judgments against them. It’s likely you might feel that hanging onto these judgments and feelings will somehow protect you against being hurt again, now and in the future.

Yet, what if you continuing to hold these judgments is hurting you most of all? What if the tension caused by your continuing to hold anger, sadness, and judgment is limiting what you can do and become? What if forgiveness is something you do, first and foremost, to free yourself?

You see, we often get hung up on forgiveness because we think it has to do with the other person. We think that it’s letting them off the hook. In reality, we are primarily freeing ourselves—and yes, that can help free the other person, too. However, it’s realizing that forgiveness frees up our own energy and helps us move forward that can help us take this empowering action.

According to Hay House and New York Times Bestselling author Iyanla Vanzant:

“FORGIVENESS MEANS . . . accepting what is or what has been and becoming willing to see it differently. You cannot un-hear what you have heard or un-see what you have seen. What you can do is stop believing that what occurred has somehow left you broken, damaged and wounded. Forgiveness results in a shift in your perception and yourself and . . .everyone else. For this reason, forgiveness is an absolutely essential step toward your personal growth, healing and evolution.”

So, what if you consider these possibilities:

You forgive not because what was done was O.K. or in any way acceptable, but simply because forgiveness will help you to heal, move on, and journey forward. Regardless of the potential impact on others (which can be powerful), forgiveness of others and yourself is actually most important for what it does for you, the person doing the forgiving.

If you feel resistance to forgiveness, you can call yourself a normal human being. We all have some past sense of wrongdoing that we hang onto as if our life depends on it. Yet, really, all we’re doing is holding ourselves back.

If you feel strong resistance to the idea of forgiveness, I encourage you to view it as an exploration, as an inner experiment, because it truly is a gift you are giving yourself. Even momentarily, see if it’s possible for you to suspend your resistance and see what you can learn and discover. You may discover that forgiveness is a powerful inner skill that you have underrated.

A powerful place to start with forgiveness is to identify any part you played in what happened. For example, if you “failed” or were “inadequate” in some way, isolate exactly what you did not do well. If you think you “did nothing wrong,” see how you nevertheless played some role in what happened. Remember something you did that affected the outcome. Be specific about the part you played in what happened. . .

Then, forgive yourself for the part you played in this experience. Perhaps you did the best you could at the moment. Perhaps you didn’t know better. Perhaps you thought what you were doing was justified. Perhaps you were unconsciously reacting to painful experiences in your past. Forgive yourself not because what you did was good, or right, or the best choice, or the best you were capable of, but because forgiveness helps you to let go and move forward now. Forgive yourself. . .

Now move to the other person or people involved. If someone else did something harmful to you, recall exactly what that was. If you blame them or criticize them for their behavior, what specifically did they do?

Once you are clear on what they did, see if it’s possible to begin to forgive them. Perhaps they didn’t know better. Perhaps they were doing the best they could. Perhaps they thought what they were doing was right or justified. Perhaps they were simply unconsciously reacting to painful experiences in their past. Forgive them not because what they did was O.K. or in any way acceptable, but simply because forgiveness will help you both to heal, move on, and journey forward. Forgive those involved. . .

Now, is it possible to imagine that experience with compassion for everyone involved?

Is it possible to see that past experience as a learning opportunity? In some way, going through that experience impacted who you can become, the insights you have, and the gifts you can grow into and share. Looking back on that past event, is it possible to see it in a new light?

Can you imagine what you might have learned from it? Can you imagine anything positive that you gained or can gain from that experience, even if it is simply compassion for yourself or others? Is it possible to take something positive from this past event and use it to help you move forward? How might you name this insight or gift? Can you put words or an image to it?

Forgiveness frees you from a limiting pattern of relationship. As you free yourself and become able to see what happened in a new light that opens the way for new choices. You may or may not choose to be more closely involved with the person or people involved. You may set firm boundaries in this relationship. You may make any number of choices based upon what is best for you and others. When you have freed yourself through forgiveness, you can make better choices based on accurate observation and discernment rather than based on judgment and fear.

When you free yourself through forgiveness you can more easily accept people and events the way they are, love them unconditionally (whether or not you choose to be close to them or not, whether you agree with them or not), and be grateful for the learning opportunities available in every interaction. With that healthy attitude you set yourself up for having better relationships of all kinds now and in the future.

I would like to hear any breakthroughs you have with forgiveness or any other questions or comments on this week’s message in our Discussion below.

Until next time,
Practice forgiveness to free yourself for healthy, thriving relationships,
Kevin