Practice of the Month: “Put the Four Agreements to Work For You”

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Welcome Members, once again, to the February Edition of SGM. Kevin Schoeninger here.

In the second week of each month, we review a specific book/product/or tradition for the practices that it offers. The key to our personal transformation is to apply our insights by practicing them daily. This month’s material is drawn from “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz.

Last week, we talked about the spiritual and energetic philosophy behind the four agreements. Then we elaborated on the four agreements themselves. Let review them here:

THE FOUR AGREEMENTS

1. “Be impeccable with your word.” (p.25 TFA)

2. “Don’t take anything personally.” (p.47 TFA)

3. “Don’t make assumptions.” (p.63 TFA)

4. “Always do your best.” (p.75 TFA)

This week, I want to talk about some practical ways that we can put the four agreements to work in our lives. Mr. Ruiz offers us many practical examples in his book. Let’s go through each agreement one by one. For each agreement we’ll list some behaviors we want to catch ourselves doing (or even better catch ourselves before we do them) so we can decrease them. Then we’ll list some behaviors that we want to increase in our lives.

#1: Be Impeccable With Your Word

Your word is a huge tool of your creative power. It has the magic to build up or tear down. Mr. Ruiz calls these, magic and black magic respectively. Basically, the magic of the word is its power to support and grow whatever you affirm with your word. Black magic is the power of negative words to restrict, limit, and poison. Words that criticize and judge are like spells that carry great power in our subconscious minds. As Ruiz says, “The only thing that can break a spell is to make a new agreement based on truth.” (p. 37 TFA) Here are some ways to increase the magic of our words and decrease our use of black magic.

Behaviors to decrease: The first way to put Agreement #1 into practice is to limit the destructive use of our words by catching ourselves in the act, or even better, before the act. This means catching our words of negative criticism, gossip, and lying. These uses of our word are like poison to ourselves and others. What differentiates negative criticism from constructive criticism is the spirit in which it is offered. Negative criticism and gossip serve to put others down to increase our egoic sense of self.

Our egoic sense of self is built on bolstering a sense of our self as an individual separate from others. We do this with internal self-talk and what we say to others. Our egoic self-talk is comparative and judgmental. Gossip is an external form of the same. Lies are another way we make ourselves appear better than we are. Hence, they also promote a false sense of self.

The mark of black magic words is that they come from fear. They rest on a view individualistic competition for scarce resources. Hence, they come from the inherent insecurity of this way of looking at life.

Use the first agreement to become aware of when you are using your words as black magic, so you can decrease that behavior.

Behaviors to increase: The second way to put Agreement #1 to work for you is to speak words of love, support, and truth. As Ruiz says, “You can measure the impeccability of your word by your level of self-love. How much you love yourself and how you feel about yourself are directly proportionate to the quality and integrity of your word. When you are impeccable with your word, you feel good; you feel happy and at peace.” (p.44 TFA)

When you feel these things in and about yourself you will naturally extend them to others. You will naturally love and accept others as they are and support them to grow to their best and highest potential. When you speak with truth and integrity, you transcend fear and come from your Core. This is the basis of experiencing true freedom, abundance, and growth.

Agreement #2: Don’t Take Anything Personally

Behaviors to decrease: Watch for defensiveness which, again, comes from fear. We seek to defend ourselves when we feel that we are not enough or inadequate to the task at hand. We also defend ourselves when we are worried about what others think about us.

Watch for your story of limitation and suffering. Be mindful of times when you allow others words and actions toward you to confirm your own fears, or sense of limitation, or your habit of suffering. Also be aware of taking on other’s stories of limitation and suffering as your own.

Be mindful of not relying on other’s opinions to tell you who you are and how you are doing. Don’t agree with someone else when you know what they are saying is black magic.

Instead practice the following:

Behaviors to increase: Find what is true and positive in what others say and do and let the rest go. Know “who you are” and “what you are about.” When you know these two things, it doesn’t matter what someone else says, because you have strong inner anchors and strong inner guidance. You are not relying on others to tell you how you are doing.

Learn to trust yourself and you will be less susceptible to what others say about you and what you are doing. Learn to trust that there is a higher power or a greater intelligence that has created you as you are to do what you are here to do. You are as you need to be to do what you are here to do. Appreciate that.

Appreciate and have compassion for other’s stories and their suffering without judging it or taking it on yourself. Encourage their higher aspirations.

Instead of seeing limitation and suffering and taking things personally, practice appreciation, gratitude, and trust. As Ruiz says, “If you keep this agreement, you can travel around the world with your heart completely open and no one can hurt you.” (p.60 TFA)

Agreement #3: Don’t make assumptions

Mr. Ruiz says, “The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth. We could swear they are real. We make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking—we take it personally—then we blame them and react by sending emotional poison with our word.” (p.63-64 TFA)

Talk about a bad cycle. That’s one we need to break free from. You can see how all these agreements are interrelated with each other.

As we saw last week, we make assumptions because we are lazy or don’t want to make the effort to find out or express the truth. We are afraid of the truth. As you can see, we should be more afraid of the assumptions we make.

We each live in our own little worlds and when we assume that we know what others are thinking and feeling or what their behaviors mean, we reinforce our small little view.

Behaviors to decrease: Catch yourself assuming you think you know what someone else is thinking or feeling. Catch yourself when you assume that the way you are looking at a challenge or difficulty is the truth and that your solution is the only right way. Watch out for global statements that include “always” and “never.” Examples include, “You always do that,” or “That will never work out.” Life is hardly so black and white. You can’t fit it into a box, or a doctrine, or a dogma, or an assumption. Life is always bigger than that.

Behaviors to increase: The number one behavior to increase in relation to making assumptions is this: ASK QUESTIONS. Rather than thinking you know what someone else is thinking or feeling, ask them. Rather than thinking their behavior means this or that, ask them. Rather than thinking that your point of view on a challenge or difficulty is right, ask someone else their opinion. Gather information.

On the flip side of that, express yourself. Express who you are and what is important to you. That way others won’t be so prone to make assumptions about you and you won’t be so prone to blaming them when they don’t know what you thinking and feeling.

Life is an experiment, an exploration. Be a good scientist by being aware of your assumptions, testing them out, and engaging with others in discovery and dialogue. Make your life an ongoing learning project, rather than seeking to reinforce what you already know. That’s what we’re about here at SGM.

Agreement #4: Always Do Your Best

On the surface, this exhortation is a double-edged sword. For those who procrastinate, or who have good intentions that aren’t matched by action, doing your best could mean to “get your rear in gear.” For those of us who have strong will and tend to overdo, doing our best can mean to let go and not overdo, over-control, or try to force action.

In either case, doing your best requires that you listen to the needs of the moment. It means tuning into your Core, your intuitive knowing, and sense what you are here to do now. As Ruiz tells us, “keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next. Everything is alive and changing all the time.” (p.75-76 TFA)

Doing your best is about sensing your inner state and discerning how this relates to what is happening around you. It is about listening to your inner guidance and following it. When you are tired, doing your best means resting. When you have energy, doing your best means knowing what action to take and doing it.

Behaviors to decrease: Doing something because someone else thinks you should do it. Doing something because you think you should do it. Doing something because you’re afraid of what others will think. Doing something that you know is not in your best interest or the best interest of others. Judging yourself and others when you or they have done their best.

Behaviors to increase: Listening to your inner guidance and following it. Doing what you love. Doing something for the joy of it. Accepting yourself as you are. Accepting others as they are. Living fully by taking advantage of the opportunities that are in front of you now. Live in the present and have your eyes open for what is best for you and for others.

You honor “who you are” and “what you are here to do now” by engaging life fully. Fully conscious engagement is the guiding principle behind the all four of these agreements. The Toltecs suggest that you can develop the urgency to live fully by realizing that today could be your last day on earth. If today were your last day what would you get busy doing? If now were your last moment, what would you do? Within the horizon of this urgent present moment, let the four agreements guide your way.

My suggestion for you this week is to feel the urgency of practicing these four agreements right here and now. Choose at least one behavior that you will decrease and one that you will increase to put these agreements to work for you. I’d love to hear your results in the Comments section below this message.

Until next time,

Happy practicing,

Kevin