stress management Archives | Spiritual Growth Monthly

How to Help Your Children Deal with Stress

By Janet Wolfe | February 18, 2021

It is easy to get wrapped up in our own stress, and not really notice that our children are trying to deal with stress as well. If you pick up clues that your children are experiencing anxiety, however, you can help them manage their stress before it grows.

Actively listen to your children. One of the most important things we can do for our kids is just to really listen to them. When they have little things to share, whether happy or sad, give them your full attention. Give them time to say what they need to, without interrupting, and ask active questions about how they felt about whatever they are describing.

If you start active listening early in your children’s lives, they will continue to see open communication as an automatic part of your relationship. Only half listening, with occasional an “uh huh” only encourages them to withdraw, or try unhealthy habits for stress relief.

Active listening involves giving feedback, to clarify understanding. Comments like, “sounds like that made you pretty upset,” or questions, “did that hurt your feelings?” help you understand what emotions your child may not know how to express. Doing this at happy times as well…”wow, I bet that made you feel great”…makes discussing stressful situations feel more natural.

If something seems wrong, ask. If children are going through a rough patch at school or with other kids, they may not want to bring the subject up. By being proactive you show you care, and even if they don’t want to talk right away, they will feel the door is open to talk when they are ready.

Give them time to just be kids. Clubs, piano lessons, team sports, and other activities outside of school are a great way for your child to develop confidence and social skills. But too many activities do far more than make you an overworked chauffeur. A day packed with too much to do, without some simple down time, can load a lot of extra stress on your child.

You don’t have to wait until your kids get frazzled to help them ease up on an over booked agenda. Talk to them about which activities are most important to them, and drop the ones that don’t make the cut.

Let your kids know you love them as they are, not for what they may become. One of my favorite scenes from the movie Spanglish, occurs when the suburban mom brings home new clothes for her daughter that are a size too small, to encourage the girl to lose weight. Flashback from my childhood, but not all that unique.

We all want the best for our kids, but thinking that the best means some goal we want them to hit, or some game we want them to win, can be one of the biggest causes of stress in our children’s lives. Most children want deeply to please their parents, and sadly many reach adulthood feeling they have let their parents down.

Let them try out their own dreams, not yours. If you always dreamed of being on stage, or a professional athlete, that doesn’t mean your children are your second chance. If they enjoy those activities, fine. Support them and cheer them on. But don’t envision an NFL jersey while they are still toddlers. Piling your own dreams on your kids just piles on more stress.

Don’t buy them everything they want. It may seem like an easy way to make kids feel better, but in the long run children will experience more stress if they come to expect the world on a plate, and it doesn’t happen. If you help them understand money and how to make smart choices, you give them a sense of control, and responsibility.

Praise them for the effort they put in. In her excellent book Mindset, author Dr. Carol S. Dweck describes how children who are praised as being super smart or talented encounter far more stress than children praised for hard work. The first time the smart kids do something less than perfectly, they feel they have failed, and often slip back in performance. The kids who are praised for trying, however, just kept trying even if they had a setback, and felt very little stress about not being the best. They knew they would be better the next time.

Find a de-stress exercise you can share. Taking walks with your children, doing yoga together, or just running around in the backyard can lessen stress for both you and your kids. They don’t have to know you are working off stress hormones, they just feel better after having some fun.

Keep your own stress to yourself. Lastly, children are not therapists. You don’t have to hide that you had a rough day, but you don’t need to go into details either. Whatever cause you have to be unhappy, dumping it on your children makes them feel somehow to blame, and burdens them with stresses they should never have.

Just being there for your children when they need you is often enough to help them deal with the stress they feel. Knowing they are safe and loved goes a long way.

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How to Deal with the Stress of Life’s Big Events

By Janet Wolfe | January 14, 2021

Spring is here. Take a deep breath; a host of big life events could be just around the corner, with all sorts of new stresses to deal with. Maybe your teen is attending a first prom. Or you’re praying your college age children make it through spring break in one piece. How will you deal with the stress of graduations, seeing your kids come home, or leave home, and maybe the most stressful of all…planning for weddings in June?

Of course, not all life changes revolve around our children. Home sales crank up in the spring, and you might be considering a move, or trying to spruce up your house to sell. Or you might still be trying to get your taxes in under the wire.

We strive for picture perfect memories. Many of life’s big moments are the ones we photograph and put in albums, to revisit again and again. So it is easy to overdo our expectations. We want everyone to look happy, and everything to work out as we’ve planned.

The more we build up our expectations, however, the more apt we are to stress about making them happen, and the more disappointed we can become. Even more importantly, we can miss the joy and wonder of the present moment if we are too focused on an ideal in our heads.

Focus on people more than the process. Remind yourself at the beginning of any big plans that the event is about the people, not perfect outfits, and precision timing. If you look at photos years down the road, it is the people you shared the moment with that make the memories so special. Besides, one of the pleasures of sharing pictures is to laugh at how funny everyone’s clothes look now.

Enjoy being on the sidelines. As our children grow up, it can be hard to let go of wanting to guide and protect them. But when we participate in our children’s rites of passage, it is essential that we let them be the star. Just because all their attention is wrapped up in the excitement, that doesn’t mean you’ve been pushed aside. They feel your support just because you are with them. They will turn to you when they need you, but they also need to make choices on their own.

Stepping back graciously gives you an opportunity to bask in a moment you will never have again. You can witness how beautiful, competent, and strong your child has become, and simply relish sharing their special day.

Take charge of your own life changes. Our own life changes can be something we planned for, or from news or opportunities that arrive out of the blue. The loss of a job, or the offer of a better one, the call of new places, the birth of a child…all depend on us to take charge of a new situation. When we take charge, we gain personal power, and more power equals less stress.

Other people will no doubt offer their opinions, but you cause yourself extra stress if you try to please everyone around you. You can be caring and gracious, but your life path is still you own. When you embrace the responsibility of your own choices, you release the stress of other people’s judgments, and can be happier with the decisions you make.

It’s OK to hire a pro. Whether it is a wedding planner or a realtor who can stage your home to sell, help and advice from a professional can take a load of stress off your shoulders. There are pros available for every budget, so doing everything yourself might not be as much of a bargain as you might expect.

Guidance from an appropriate professional can also act as a buffer against a barrage of opinions from those around you. You still make the decisions, but you will be better informed, and have some extra hands to help with the work.

Make a decision that your life events are meant to be fun and cherished, and refuse to let stress get in the way. Then simply enjoy the ride.

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Form a Habit of Forgiveness to Beat Depression and Stress

By Janet Wolfe | July 28, 2020

If you are depressed or under stress, does the mention of forgiveness sound like old news? Do you think, yeah I did that, and I still feel under siege? Well, what we all sometimes forget is that forgiveness is not a onetime remedy. One good bout of forgiving our past does not inoculate us against becoming hurt, angry, or annoyed or building new resentments all over again. To beat our stress and depression, forgiveness needs to become a habit, whether we are forgiving others or forgiving ourselves.

Forgiveness can transform us

Forgiveness is basically a choice. Am I going to let this situation tie me up inside, raise my blood pressure and stress hormones, or am I going to decide not to feel wounded, and simply let it go? Oddly enough, we often get just as upset over tiny disruptions as we do to major conflicts. And since we are likely to have far more little upsets in a day than big ones, the more automatic our ability to slough off minor irritations, the better we will feel.

Clearly some of us are far better at this letting go than others. Author Ted Dekker wrote recently that for the most of us, “our lives are run by grievance.” If we are anxious, he explained, we feel a grievance toward the uncertainty of the future. If we are unhappy with how we look or feel, we can become ill and depressed, because we have a grievance against ourselves. We cling to our grievances, it’s true, but learning to forgive and let go, Dekker says, can cause radical transformations. Letting go of all these grievances is what forgiveness is all about.

Give us this day.

The idea of continual forgiveness is certainly nothing new. Christians pray “give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us…as we forgive.” If we say the words too fast, or without thinking, we could miss that the forgiving part is in the same sentence as our daily bread. The thoughts are linked. Forgiveness must be a daily need, just like having enough to eat. After all, every day we make new mistakes, and we need others to overlook our faults, and also to be willing to cut everyone, and ourselves, some slack.

Practice makes perfect.

Whenever we forgive, we reap health benefits that grow over time. As soon as we let go, we can breathe easier, and feel the weight of resentment slipping away. Our mood lifts, and we feel more at peace. With daily practice, we get better at forgiveness, and the feelings of wellbeing continue to increase. More time forgiving means less time dwelling on stressful situations, and less time beating ourselves up for not living up to arbitrary ideals.

Being a more forgiving person also makes us much nicer to be around. What may feel to us like a perfectly justified rant about some perceived injustice to our egos, probably just strikes others as a tantrum. No one likes to be around a grouch.

Tips to practice

Thinking thoughts of forgiveness during meditation can be a very effective tool. Not all our grievances are toward people who have harmed or slighted us, or simply invaded our space. We may feel aggrieved at life in general for not turning out how we wanted it to. Or we may feel bitter at institutions, our government, or even weather that upsets our plans.

Let yourself be aware of things that bother you then release the hold they have over your emotions. You might even imagine yourself being set free.

As you go through your day, if you drop something or make a mistake, don’t call yourself clumsy or deride yourself. Remind yourself that mistakes happen, and minor spills and mishaps are a part of normal life. Find humor in life’s minor pitfalls, and find joy in the people who share your life.

The more you work toward making forgiveness a habit, the less you will feel stress from your imagined grievances, and the more your depression can lift away.

To read Ted Dekker’s entire post about forgiveness, and his new novel Water Walker, visit www.teddekker.com.

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How to Deal With the Stress of a Cross Country Move

By Janet Wolfe | September 29, 2019

Moving your household across the country can be exciting, but also full of stress. Everyone knows it is a lot of work. But it can be hard to realize just how much there is to do until we’re halfway through packing, and moving day is almost here. If we weren’t stressed before, we will be now.

The more you plan, the better you’ll feel.

A lot of moving stress can be avoided if you plan ahead. You can plot out crucial dates to get a clear view of how much time you have, then fit what has to be done into your timeline. Moving always seems to take more time than we expect it to, so the clearer we can make our daily objectives the better. Include when you need to notify utility companies, turn in a change of address, and cancel any recurring services, such as garbage pickup or newspapers.

Here are some tips to create your own stress free plan:

Keep all your moving information in one place. This could be a spiral notebook, a computer file, or in a smart-phone app. As well as the schedule you have devised, include all contact information or cost bids for moving companies or truck rentals, realtors, carpet cleaners, or anyone else involved in your move.

As soon you start packing, nothing will be where you expect it to be, so this will save you the stress of hunting for last minute information or a phone book.

Get rid of unwanted things fast, and be ruthless about what you keep. One of life’s great luxuries, I think, is having someone else move you. Swarms of packers come in and wrap up everything in sight, and in no time at all it is loaded and headed down the road. But it is important to remember that movers charge by the weight they haul. Do you really want the stress of a huge bill to move a couch you wanted to replace anyway, or clutter you should have cleared out long ago? If you are moving on your own, it will be you doing all the work. How much do you really want to have to pack, load, and drive away?

Holding a garage or yard sale is a great way to unload unwanted items, if you have the time. But if your schedule is tight, charities abound which would love to have your old sofa, or some kitchen gadget you’ve never used. Giving unwanted items away will save you not only the moving cost, but also the stress of unpacking broken lamps or useless appliances when you reach your new home.

Take photos of bulky sentimental items. It can be hard to part with family memorabilia, especially if it was handed down from someone you loved. But what really matters are the memories, not the things themselves. Keep small items that you can continue to cherish, and consider giving bulky items, like antiques, to someone else who would cherish them too. You can still keep photos of the item as well the special people connected with it, and display the picture after you move. Knowing your beloved heirloom is in a good home might turn out to make you as happy as if you’d kept it yourself.

Don’t try to do everything yourself. You may be the most capable woman on the planet, but sometimes you just need an extra pair of hands. If friends offer to help you, don’t be too proud to accept their assistance. Winding bubble wrap or carrying boxes can wear you down if you are on your own. Not only can you save yourself some time and stress, but the help you receive reminds you to feel gratitude, and feel loved.

Celebrate the people you are leaving. Luckily, in this age of social media, it is easier to stay connected with special people when we move away. Still, there are friends or family that we will really miss. Rather than feel sad at your departure, celebrate the chance you had to know them. Take people out for a farewell lunch, or host a pizza party on your newly empty floor. The hugs and best wishes you take with you will keep your spirits higher as you move on.

Don’t forget to take care of yourself. It’s especially important when you are doing heavy lifting to remember to stretch your muscles and your brain. As busy as you are, it can be easy to let your meditation or yoga time slide, or think junk food is all you have time to eat.

Have healthy munchies close at hand, and use that empty floor to really stretch out and breathe in the empty space. Meditate to calm any anxiety about the future. Or use conscious relaxation suggestions to build your confidence for challenges ahead.

When moving day arrives, congratulate yourself for all you’ve accomplished, and the stress you overcame. Then you can drive off to a new adventure, feeling happy and stress-free.

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Can You Inherit Stress?

By Janet Wolfe | September 20, 2019

Most of us recognize that growing up in a stressful home can cause us stress as children. It seems logical that we learn how to deal with stress by watching how our parents cope. Even the best parents have to face stress in their lives. How they overcome their own struggles and the wisdom they impart combine to give us the foundation to grow into adulthood. In contrast, if a child’s home life is violent or unstable, the child must navigate through an emotional mine field, and learns coping techniques that may or may not help them deal with stress as adults.

In the past few years, scientists have begun to look at childhood stress in a new light. It appears that the old question of nature vs. nurture applies to our stress levels much like it does to our innate intelligence or personality traits. Some stress we pick up from our environment and some could be in our genes.

Writing in the New York Times, professor Inna Gaisler-Salomon describes how the stress a woman feels during, and even before, pregnancy seems to pass in part to her children. Of course researchers question whether or not high stress levels simply create bad parenting. But the question remains of why stress related problems can go on for generations. Gaisler-Salomon cites the psychological struggles among the children and grandchildren of Holocaust survivors as one example, as well as victims of conflicts around the world.

There may, in fact, be a physiological reason stress gets passed along. Genetic researchers have discovered a gene which contains what could be called a stress molecule, tied to the levels of stress we experience. In addition, we appear to inherit how many receptors we have in our brain for the neurotransmitter dopamine, which has been linked to mood and how we respond to stress.

What difference does this make?

When we are well informed about our family medical history, it helps to take steps to protect our health. We might have more regular checkups, for example, if we know we are predisposed to heart disease or cancer, so we can put our minds at rest.

Knowing we may be predisposed to stress could also give us that extra little push to take steps to protect our emotional health. A brain that we have schooled in meditation and stress relieving techniques will be more able to deal with new stresses as they occur than if we had simply experienced them unprepared.

Knowledge about stress could make us better parents.

Even scientists know that some babies are fussier than others, and some of their research has linked genetic differences to how babies respond to stress. But as Emily Anthes reports in Scientific American, “genes are not destiny.” If an expectant mom goes through a lot of stress during pregnancy, which might pass along to her baby, studies show that parenting focused on relieving the baby’s stress does exactly what it needs to do.

Even babies born with a lower number of dopamine receptors were able to respond to stress as well as other children after a year of supportive, loving care.

The more effectively we deal with our own stress, the healthier our children will be. When I think of really good parenting, I am always reminded of the father in To Kill a Mockingbird. Even as a man who had lost his wife, he was able to raise his daughter with wisdom and love, and by the example of honor he set in how he lived. The mother in Stephen King’s Carrie, on the other hand, is a portrait of horrible-mom-stress run amok.

Using healthy means to handle stress may give us a happier home, and happier genes to pass along to our children. It’s a double winning combination.

If you found this article helpful, please leave us a reply below, and share us on your favorite social media.

Sources:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/03/09/opinion/sunday/can-children-inherit-stress.html?_r=0

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/is-babys-stress-inherited/