SGM March 2017 Weekly Message Three: “If You Think You’re Right & They’re Wrong–Read This!”
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Welcome to this week’s edition of Spiritual Growth Monthly. I’m Kevin Schoeninger. It’s great to have you with us here at SGM!
Hmmph!
Have you noticed that rational political and religious discussions are close to impossible these days?
We have a casual unwritten rule at the wellness center where I work that talking about “politics and religion” is off limits. We generally say it light-heartedly, but there is something to it. These topics tend to quickly escalate and become heated and unresolvable debates. People’s emotions skyrocket and they become upset and unreasonable—and this takes away from the positive healthy environment that supports well-being.
It seems that we are having to invoke this unwritten rule way more often than in years past.
Have you noticed that sort of thing at your work, family or social gatherings, or online? Just bring up certain political figures or issues and people get out of control with the vehemence of their opinions. They firmly entrench in the idea that they are 100% right and that other person, party, or point of view is 100% wrong.
Even the mainstream news has fallen prey to this tendency. What is supposed to be a somewhat objective presentation is now either a one-sided rant or a heated discussion between two sides who won’t give an inch. They yell louder and louder until the moderator goes to commercial or tells them that time is up. Nothing productive is accomplished. All that has happened is that participants—and, likely, viewers—have dug their heels in more deeply.
So, how does this relate to our Discussion here at SGM? It seems that now, more than ever, we, as a culture are victims of The Primary Mistake. We think that the way we see things is Reality—and if someone else sees things differently we believe they are wrong. This leads to inner tension and outer conflict. It keeps us from being ourselves and working well with others. It locks us in a lower vibration.
However, what if there’s an insight that could lead us out of these messy inner and outer conflicts?
What if no point of view is ever 100% wrong?
Think about that for a moment. What if that were true? How might that change how you relate to yourself and others?
What if, instead of points of view being right or wrong, every point of view simply shows us some aspect of Reality?
For example, what if there’s some validity in the desire to protect our country from terrorist threats and some validity in the idea that it’s important to respect and not discriminate against others based on ethnic background and/or religious affiliation?
What if there’s some validity in the desire to provide health care for every person and some validity in the idea that government should honor individual choice and not require us to purchase health insurance or take vaccines?
What if there’s some validity in the desire to value every life and some validity in the desire to allow women to make choices that dramatically affect their lives?
Is it so outrageous to consider that every point has some valid point to make?
What might happen, if we started our discussions with that premise? What if we began our discussions with each person having an opportunity to share what is important to them and the other party listening and asking questions to better understand where the other person is coming from?
What if our goal was not “Being Right,” but, instead, coming to mutual understanding and solutions that honored each other’s perspectives? We might even discover that we have more common ground than we assumed. And, for sure we would widen our own perspective in the process.
So, what might happen if we committed to honor the following?
1. Every point of view has something to show us
2. No perspective contains the whole truth
Why don’t we do that? What is it that blocks the way?
As a child, I was painfully shy and socially awkward. I was slightly built, lacked confidence, and felt like I didn’t fit in. My family moved around a lot and this exacerbated those feelings. Whenever I got attached to anything or anyone, we moved away and I lost it. I never really settled in anywhere and felt more and more isolated and alone. I definitely did not feel safe in the world.
To protect those vulnerable feelings I developed a façade of self-righteousness about my points of view. I studied Psychology, Theology, and Philosophy and eventually earned a Master’s Degree in Philosophy. I learned to think deeply and argue effectively. I didn’t want to feel vulnerable, so I substituted wanting to be right. I became critical of the “superficial culture” that didn’t get the insights I had learned in my studies. Ironically, this approach that was subconsciously supposed to defend my vulnerability actually made me feel more left-out, insecure, and alone.
At the age of 12, I also started to strength train and practice martial arts. From my teenage years up through the age of 23, I put on 40 pounds of muscle and became a personal trainer. While the added muscle and physical skills definitely helped me feel better about myself and gave me a place in the world as a trainer, I still noticed that I would feel anxious every morning when I woke up and I was slightly nauseous every morning on my way into work.
For years, I thought it was because I wasn’t doing work that was valuable or important enough or that I wasn’t good enough at it. Internally, I had a perpetual battle between the arrogant philosopher and the Personal Trainer. Personal Training just wasn’t a “real career.”
At age 23, my studies in Philosophy and martial arts led me to become interested in learning meditation. There was something I needed to learn beyond lifting weights and learning to argue. I needed to cultivate my deeper mind and emotions.
In meditation, I learned to step back from what I was thinking and feeling and observe. The first thing I noticed was how much pain and tension was stored in my body. I became more body aware and this led me to adjust how I was working out. I added lots of stretching and learned to consciously relax my muscles.
I also began to notice the anxiety and nausea that I felt every day for what it was. I felt vulnerable in the world. I still lacked confidence and felt like I didn’t fit in. I still felt like no one understood me and that I was not safe.
Meditation enabled me to observe these experiences without being overwhelmed by them. It helped me to accept myself as I was—vulnerable and afraid. It also connected me to a part of me that didn’t feel that way—to a deeper Core part of me that felt relaxed, at ease, and connected to Life at a spiritual level.
Meditation also taught me about the diversity in myself—that I can have a whole host of different thoughts, feelings, and moods—and that these do not define who I am. There is something deeper underneath all of that. There is a Core part of me that is clear, quiet, stable, and deeply peaceful.
Becoming familiar with that deeper spiritual part of me enables me to live my life from a deeper trust and faith. It puts what I am doing here within a wider perspective. Like all of us, I am here on purpose, I have a story to share, and skills to teach that I’ve developed through the struggles I’ve experienced. And, there is a deeper part of me that is completely free and peaceful—no matter what I do, what someone else does, or what happens. That realization is true freedom.
Another thing meditation has taught me is that contrast is essential. Contrast within ourselves and with others creates awareness—when we approach it mindfully.
For example, when we feel pain and suffering, we learn to appreciate moments of ease and joy. We also learn to have compassion for others who are going through pain and suffering.
Even flaws and negative states can be doorways to greater awareness. When we approach them mindfully, we find that our flaws give us a certain perspective that leads us to certain insights or to develop certain skills we wouldn’t have discovered otherwise. Negative thoughts and feelings lead us to probe deeper, understand ourselves better, and learn more. Our personal flaws and quirks give us unique perspectives that widen the world. They also give us more compassion and appreciation for the flaws and quirks of others. Every difference opens up a new avenue of experience that wouldn’t be available otherwise.
So, what if no point of view is 100% wrong? Yes, even those political leaders you can’t stand. What if every perspective shows us something—and, yet, no perspective, even your own, is the whole truth?
Standing in that insight, we are more open to explore diverse points of view and learn new things. Instead of hunkering down and being defensive, judgmental, angry, and scared, we open up and engage with the diverse parts of our own experience. We open up and engage with others who appear different. We open up and more fully engage with Life.
The skills of a clear, quiet mind help us do this. They help us Recognize where we are coming from, Release the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that create inner tension and outer conflict, Return to calm clarity, and Receive insights that we might not have ever thought possible in our more closed-off, deeply-defended state.
As we are able to observe and accept vulnerability and diversity within ourselves, we gain compassion that naturally extends to others. We realize that we are all in this together—going through similar experiences. We may appear different on the outside, we may hold on strongly to divergent points of view, but underneath it all, we are all vulnerable. We all want to be safe, feel secure, and fit in. We all want to have a purposeful place in life and contribute what we have to offer.
So, how different might your Discussions be different if you started from these basic insights?
1. Every point of view has something to show you
2. No perspective contains the whole truth
I would love to hear your questions, comments, and experiences in our Discussion below.
Until next time, what might happen if you allowed yourself to feel vulnerable and had compassion for the vulnerability in others?
Enjoy your practice!
Kevin